We all know the age-old adage that opposites attract but what happens if you’re drawn to someone more like yourself? How much does this really matter when it comes to interacting with the social world? Is it a bad or good idea for introverts to date other introverts?
Introverts dating other introverts is a good idea because of potentially improved communication and respect for boundaries. Still, it may present challenges like getting stuck in your comfort zone or difficulty making the first move. Regardless, introversion doesn’t dictate a good relationship.
If you’re wondering how introverts can thrive in relationships or how to tell if you and your partner are introverts, this article is for you. Keep reading to learn about the advantages of dating fellow introverts, potential downfalls, and why it’s not the most important relationship factor.
What Is an Introvert?
Many people treat introversion as a synonym for being shy. However, that’s not the case. While it is true that introverts may be less likely to put themselves out there socially, this term refers to a much bigger picture.
Introversion and its counterpart, extraversion, are measures of how we like to spend our time and energy. The two contrast each other. While extroverts primarily gain energy from being around other people and outside-world experiences, introverts gain theirs from solitude and exploring their inner worlds.
If this concept feels difficult to grasp, think of it like this: extroverts “recharge” themselves by being around others, whereas introverts “recharge” themselves by being alone.
However, introversion and extroversion exist on a scale. It’s not as black and white as being one or the other. Instead, people shift between the two and spend time on both ends of the spectrum. Some individuals may feel that they sway between the two often, while others find they are predominantly introverted or extroverted.
Personality Traits of an Introvert
Since introverts gain energy from their inner worlds, these people tend to spend ample time in their minds or self-reflecting. They may tend to get lost in their thoughts or prefer their imagination to the real thing. Introverts can even become so enthralled with their inner world that they forget to acknowledge their external surroundings.
As such, introverts generally feel comfortable spending time alone. This is a critical pillar of many introverts’ lives. While most people understand the importance of scheduling social time with loved ones, fitting in alone time is just as — if not more — necessary to introverts.
This does not mean that introverts do not value, appreciate, or desire social situations. Instead, introverts may keep a smaller friend group. After a period of social interaction, introverts can feel drained, in which case many will take some time to be with themselves.
Big Five Personality Typing
Introversion and extroversion are studied in psychology as part of the Big Five personality traits. While this trait exists as a continuum, the trait itself is referred to as extroversion. If someone is low on the extroversion spectrum, they are likely thoughtful and reserved. That person would be considered an introvert. At the opposite end is an individual who is fun-loving and sociable.
The other four of the Big Five traits include openness, agreeableness, neuroticism, and conscientiousness. Together, these traits help professionals organize and understand aspects of personality. While we shouldn’t rely on them to predict behavior, a given score or combination of scores can suggest a specific behavior’s likelihood.
You can take the Big Five test here.
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator
If you’ve ever taken the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test, you’ll already know if you lean towards extraversion or introversion. These days, the MBTI is one of the more popular methods of personality typing.
The MBTI breaks personality down into four components: worlds, information, decisions, and structure. Each of these is separated into binaries: Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I), Sensing (S) or Intuition (N), Thinking (T) or Feeling (F), and Judging (J) or Perceiving (P). Combining your letters gives you your MBTI personality type.
You can take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator test here.
Finding Out if You’re an Introvert
Both the Big Five and MBTI tests can give you a clearer picture of your tendency towards extroversion or introversion, but you don’t necessarily need to take them to know the way your mind works. If being around others makes you feel tired, but solitude energizes you, you often find yourself getting lost in your head, and you keep a small social circle, there’s a good chance you’re an introvert.
Advantages of Dating Another Introvert
While some people may say that you should go after someone more different from you than alike, it’s undeniable that there are many benefits of being with a partner who just gets you. Let’s check out some of the advantages of dating other introverts. You can also check out our dating tips for introverted guys.
Alone Time
Introverts flourish when they can have time and space to themselves. This doesn’t always mean sitting in your room alone — it may just mean having quiet time without feeling the obligation to converse. If your partner is also an introvert, they’ll appreciate this time and space too. Even just having someone who understands your desire for solitude comes internally and is not a result of their company may make fulfilling this need that much easier.
Mutual Understanding of Boundaries
Any healthy relationship needs mutual respect and understanding of boundaries, but you may find that it can come easier when dating a fellow introvert. If you really don’t feel like you have the energy to go out tonight despite having plans for weeks, your partner may be more likely to sympathize with that feeling.
Similarly, if you show up for a barbecue with friends and your partner feels exhausted after a couple of hours, you can understand and hold space for them.
Maintaining Your Comfort Zone
Going on a trip with your partners’ friends may sound like a nightmare to an introvert. The good news is that the introvert you’re dating probably also feels the same way. Being around people for five days straight? No thanks. You won’t be under any obligation to attend.
Improved Communication
Introverts aren’t the type to talk and talk without realizing what they’re saying. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s common for introverts to think deeply before speaking. After all, they do spend a lot of time lost in their head, so this makes sense. It may take longer for an introvert to respond to you, but you can bet it’s because they’re genuinely reflecting on how to respond.
Disadvantages of Dating Another Introvert
Dating someone too much like yourself can come with some hiccups. Here are a few introvert-specific challenges you may experience.
Getting Stuck in Your Comfort Zone
Dating an extrovert can help push you out of your comfort zone. It may sound scary, but this is where a lot of growth happens. On the other hand, being with a fellow introvert may enable you to get stuck in your comfort zone. It may be a safe space, but it can get out of hand quickly. You could miss out on some great experiences!
Missing Out on Events
One of the great aspects of dating other introverts is that they’re more likely to understand when you cancel plans last minute because you just can’t bring yourself to interact with others right now. The drawback to this is that it goes both ways. While it’s important to honor your partner’s needs and boundaries, you may end up missing out on events you were looking forward to, or they may not be there for moments you wanted to experience together.
Feeling Unwanted or Lonely
If you and your partner lack healthy communication skills or struggle with secure attachment, your partner’s need for space may get lost in translation. Their longing for alone time can feel like they don’t want to be with you. While both of you recharge by spending time by yourselves, humans are still social beings who need connection. If your recharging times don’t often align, you may end up feeling lonely or distanced from your loved one.
No One Will Make the First Move
A classic hardship of introvert-introvert relationships is that neither of you may be willing to make the first move. For introverts, it can be a significant challenge to expand your social group. Dedicating time to a new person who may not even work out is exhausting, especially when casually dating. Some may want to avoid this altogether. For this same reason, it can be challenging to get to know a fellow introvert. The whole thing can be daunting.
Difficult Social Encounters
When two introverts get together, the chances of one of your social batteries running out of fuel increases. If you’re out with your partner and friends, but your partner wants to leave, it can put you in an uncomfortable position where you feel like you have to choose between your loved ones. Having understanding friends and a supportive partner should relieve some guilt you may feel, but it can still be a tough situation for you.
Tips for Dating Other Introverts
Dating a fellow introvert is possible and can be a beautiful thing. If you’re struggling with it, try implementing these tips into your relationship.
Set Aside Social Time
It’s easy for two introverts to fall into patterns of staying home alone all of the time. Sometimes this is needed, and it can be great to kick back together, but it’s essential to dedicate time to others. Scheduling in time with good friends, family members, or anyone else in your circle is a great way to make sure you’re still nurturing those relationships and your own social needs.
Encourage Open Communication
Open, honest, non-judgmental communication is a pillar to all relationships — romantic or not. Make sure both you and your partner feel comfortable coming to each other with concerns regarding space, boundaries, and anything else. Knowing that the communication line is always available and safe can make it easier to nip issues in the bud.
Create Your Own Spaces
Having an area that’s just for you can be a game-changer for an introvert. Space is precious, so having a place that is yours can be revitalizing. It can be as simple as a meditation corner in the living room or living in entirely separate apartments. Whatever it is, make this place your sanctuary. Decorate it exactly how you want to and make it feel like home.
If your space is a room in a shared home, consider getting a small “do not disturb” sign to hang on the door handle to let your partner know you need space.
Plan Fun Date Nights
Like anything, balance is crucial to maintaining a healthy introvert-introvert relationship. Sometimes extrovert-extrovert couples need to stay in for the night, and likewise, sometimes, you and your partner need to go out. Changing up your dating life helps to keep your relationship fresh and exciting.
Go out for a nice dinner or catch a movie at the theatre. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant, but make it a point to get out now and then.
Should You Date an Introvert?
If you are compatible and interested in another introvert, there is no reason why this should stop you from dating them. While you may encounter challenges when dating a fellow introvert, don’t let this sway you from beginning a partnership with someone who makes you happy. All relationships have hurdles — there is no doubt about it.
Whether you date an extrovert or a fellow introvert, you will have difficulties to work through. Instead of focusing on the extraversion scale, you should instead consider how willing and able you and your partner are to tackle barriers together. Rather than asking if you should date another introvert, ask yourself these questions:
- Does this person make me happy?
- Do we have strong communication skills?
- Do I feel heard and respected by my partner?
- Does this person make me feel safe?
- Can I trust this person?
- Am I my best and most authentic self around my partner?
- Do we challenge each other to be better individuals?
- Can I ask for what I need? Does my partner work to ensure my needs are being met?
If you are still convinced that it’s not a good idea to date this person because you’re both introverts, it may be a sign that other aspects of this partnership don’t feel right to you. In this case, it may not be a good idea to pursue a relationship with them, but that doesn’t mean it’s because you’re both introverts.
Meeting Other Introverts
A common hurdle that can prevent two introverts from finding love is that they may be pleased in their own world, don’t go out much, or don’t have the energy to date casually. If you’re looking to overcome those barriers, try your hand at these dating techniques.
Use Dating Apps
Dating apps are one of the most popular ways to meet other people these days — introvert or not. Creating a profile on sites like Bumble or Hinge can facilitate your meeting fellow introverts without the stress of making a move in public.
A beneficial aspect of dating apps is that you are both on there for the same reason. If you match with someone, you know they are interested in talking to you and potentially going on a date if you hit it off.
This helps alleviate the stress of chatting someone up at a cafe only to find out they have a monogamous partner or generally aren’t interested in dating. Even if you don’t end up romantically connecting with some of your matches, you may make some great friends. e
Another perk of using dating apps is that you can mention you’re an introvert in your bio. If you’re nervous that someone won’t like you because of this or that it will be a source of general incompatibility, letting others know this up front can save you from wasting time or having to decline a date when they want to meet at a crowded party with all their friends. You might even bond over your shared introversion with someone!
Ask a Friend To Set You Up
You probably keep a close circle of friends who just likely know you better than anyone else. Why not ask them if they know any like-minded individuals to set you up with? Or maybe they’ve been dying to introduce you to someone, but you’ve never been up for it? Here’s your sign to give it a shot. What’s the worst that could happen — especially if you have a mutual friend?
You don’t have to dive all-in and go on a blind date the next day. Instead, start by getting their phone number and having a text conversation. You can test the waters from the comfort of solitude, and from there, you can try a phone call or grab a cup of coffee.
Tackling the First Date
If the thought of spending hours with someone stresses you out, set a time limit beforehand. Let them know you need to get home by a specific time to feed the cat or you have some work to finish up. Setting aside a limited period gives you some control over the situation and helps preserve your energy. There’s nothing worse than coming home with a drained social battery.
Final Thoughts
Like any relationship, dating a fellow introvert can present unique challenges. These include potentially getting stuck in your comfort zone, feelings of loneliness or unwantedness, missing out on events, or even struggles with getting the relationship started. However, you may notice that other introverts respect your boundaries more, give you alone time, and have strong communication skills.
All in all, there’s no reason to write a relationship off just because they too gain energy by spending time with themselves. All partnerships have challenges — what’s important is that you can communicate healthily, respect, and support one another.
